Guaranteed In Stock
by SoundwaveSuperior
Summary: Roommates Sephiroth, Solid Snake, Vegeta, and Protoman embark on a citywide mission to return their rented movies to Blockbuster Video before it closes, otherwise, they'll have to pay late fees! Can they do it?
1. Chapter 1: Snake's Hard Night Out

Chapter I - Snake's Hard Night Out

"Vegeta..." groaned a gruff, gurgly voice from beyond the abyss of sofa cushions and beer bottles.

The voice paused to listen; but no one responded.

"Vegeta!" the voice screamed, before the owner of the voice fell off the couch he was lying on, and crashing onto the floor below, "I think I just broke my beer... or my pelvis."

"... I swear to God, Snake," groveled Vegeta, whose voice came from beyond the kitchen, "If I have to get up from this couch--"

"I need an alka seltzer," Snake interrupted, before covering his mouth and burping, "I also just threw up in my mouth. It tastes like how tires smell."

A black leather boot slowly came out of nowhere, and nudged Snake's head on the ground, causing a rouse out of him.

"Ugh! Who's kicking me...?"

"Morning, sunshine. Bit of a hangover?"

"Perhaps, Seph," Snake replied, "My head feels like Metallica kicked it's ass."

Sephiroth helped Snake back onto the couch. Sephiroth was a tall man, with grey-silver hair, and two large bangs hanging in front of his face, which housed a pair of two emerald green eyes. He wore a long black leather trenchcoat, joined at the waist by a single buckle, and two pairs of silver shoulderpads. Two shoulderstraps crossed each other at his chest, and a large silver belt buckle could be seen peeking out from the sides of his coat. He also wore black leather pants, and long black leather boots.

Snake, on the other hand, was different. He was slightly shorter, with medium-length brown hair, a five-o'clock shadow, brown eyes, and a grey headband around his forehead. He wore a grey form-fitting bodysuit, and a black bulletproof kevlar vest. On his hands were grey military-grade combat gloves, and on his feet were black combat boots, the left of which carried a knife inside of a hidden compartment. Holstered at his right side was his favorite gun, the SOCOM pistol.

"You know," began Sephiroth, "I think Protoman might know something about treating hangovers." He cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled, "Protoman!"

Snake cringed and covered his ears, "Don't yell, for the love of Pete."

A small, nearly childish voice yelled back from beyond the kitchen, "At a commercial!"

"You're watching a movie! There are no commercials!" yelled Sephiroth, again.

There was a slight pause, "... at a commercial!" responded Protoman.

"Shut. The. FUCK. Up!" Vegeta yelled, hitting Protoman.

Snake groaned, "You know what? Do me a favor and prevent me from drowning in my own drool. I'm gonna sleep it off right here..." he said, falling back onto the couch.

"Oh c'mon, you pussy," Sephiroth said, hoisting Snake back into a sitting position.

"Let me lie down with my decaying dignity," Snake said to Sephiroth, struggling to keep his head up.

"You need to sit upright, Snake," said Sephiroth, "The blood rushing to your head won't stop unless you do. I'll grab you an aspirin. Alka seltzer will probably only make you upchuck more vile substances." He got up off the couch, and disappeared into the kitchen.

"Oh yeah?" asked Snake, to no one inparticular, "Who died and made YOU a doctor? Huh? Yeah, I'm on to you."

Just as Sephiroth got out of Snake's sight, Vegeta came walking into the living room area, and stood before Snake.

Vegeta was a different person from Sephiroth and Snake. He was shorter than Snake, but not by too much. On his head rested black, spiky hair, which was so added at least twenty inches to his overall height. He was wearing a blue sleeveless t-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants that were also blue. On his hands he wore long white gloves, and on his feet were white boots. He stared at Snake with jet-black eyes.

"Let this be a warning to you, Snake," he growled, "If I have to pause this movie again, and get up off my couch because you're complaining about a hangover, I'll make sure you're in so much pain, you'll wish you had kept the damn hangover." He then turned to return to his movie.

Snake stuck his tongue out at him as he disappeared beyond the kitchen, "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Nancy."

Moments later, Sephiroth came back from the kitchen, with a glass of water, and a pair of aspirin pills.

"Here, this should help," said Sephiroth. Snake thanked him as he took the pills down. Sephiroth then slumped into the chair beside him, "Now, you wanna tell me what happened to get you so hammered last night?"

"Well," Snake swollowed the last pill, "Here's the story. I'm in the grocery store... and I'm waiting in line to grab some long bread and ham, because when a man has a craving to eat a sub sandwich, and there's no sub shops in the near vicinity, one must take it upon himself to fulfill his cravings."

"For such is the duty of man," said Sephiroth.

"Yes. Well anyway, I'm in line to pay, and as I go to reach for my favorite milkshake flavor from those little fridges they have between the aisles, someone grabbed me by the hand."

"Well did you kick their ass?" asked Sephiroth.

"I wanted to, but I decided the assault charges wouldn't have been worth it. It was my old covert partner, Otacon." said Snake, "We had an awkward conversation about how we've been after our last mission, and then he invited me to some party at Club Konami in downtown Big City. Since I had nothing to do, I decided, why not?"

"So, I assume it was this club in which you got drunk," said Sephiroth.

"Yes, but I'm not finished," replied Snake, waving his finger, "After I went home and ate my sub while watching World's Funniest Police Crashes, I took a bus to Club Konami. I felt nervous going in, because everyone was so... different. There was a huge dancefloor, and everyone was stepping on squares on the ground with arrows on them, in time to floating arrows being projected onto the wall. Some weird blue-haired guy in a karate outfit, and another weird, fatter dude in a blue leotard were hitting on some blonde chick with a short green skirt and a white jacket at the bar. Finally, I saw my old college rival--"

"Raiden?" asked Sephiroth.

"No, worse than Raiden," Snake paused, "Trevor Belmont."

Sephiroth stared at him, "... Never heard of him."

"Doesn't matter. Anyway, he was lounging about the place, ladies following him everywhere, him making them laugh, thinking he's so high and mighty because he offed some vampire. So, like an idiot, I went up to him and said,"

"Hey! Belmont! ... You ain't so... tough!"

"Needless to say, I didn't have anything smarter to say after that." Snake said.

"Well, if it isn't Snake!" Simon said to me, with that stupid British smile of his, "I haven't seen you since college. How's that spy thing going?"

"Of course, I had told him I quit, and couldn't be better."

"Well, isn't that too bad?" he said, "I'm still riding on the mountain of wealth that came with slaying the Vampire Lord."

"He then started a group laugh, his bitches hanging on his every word. Humiliated, I stormed off to the bar--"

"And that's where you drunk yourself stupid in a fit of depression and embarrassment?" asked Sephiroth.

"Hell no! I bought a two litre bottle of Smirnoff vodka, two shotglasses, and went back to drink Belmont under the table."

"Ah," Sephiroth replied, pausing, "I don't know which is worst."

"Belmont!" I had screamed, "You, me, alcohol!"

"After looking at me cautiously, he accepted my challenge. After we both had about ten or eleven straight shots, well, I was able to hold my alcohol better than that skinny British bitch. He fell on the club floor and landed on his back. He threw his lunch into the air, like a geyser, which splashed back down onto his face. Then I threw the vodka bottle into the dancefloor, and stepped on his neck on my way out,"

"Now hold on," said Sephiroth, "If you were able to hold your alcohol, how come you got so stupidly drunk?"

"Oh. Well, I happened upon some punk kids, stole a case of their dad's beer, bussed home, watched a late-night showing of Animal House, and drank myself to sleep," Snake ended his story with a small, childish smile.

"Great story, Snake. Heartwarming." said Sephiroth.

"Guys!" yelled a voice, coming into the living room from the kitchen. "The movie's done, let's return it!" It was Protoman.

Protoman wasn't so much of a human being, as he was a robot. He wore a red-and-white helmet, with a black visor covering his eyes. Around his neck was a yellow scarf. He wore a grey bodysuit, and a red belt around his waist. On his hands were red gloves, and on his feet were large red boots, covering his shins and kneecaps. He was the property of Snake. He's the shortest of the group, coming up to about Vegeta's waist.

"What movie did you rent, anyways?" asked Sephiroth.

"We got two, actually," replied Protoman, "Murdalizer one, starring Chuck Norris, and Murdalizer two, starring Jean-Claude Van-Damme, who takes over the job of Murdalizer after Chuck Norris dies in the beginning," explained Protoman, "I wanna go rent Murdalizer three, which is coming out soon."

"Well, thanks for ruining the Murdalizer series for me. I'm sure they were masterpieces." said Sephiroth.

Vegeta then walked into the room, glancing at a receipt, and holding the Blockbuster video boxes.

"Guys, this movie's due back today, otherwise we get late charges," he said, holding the receipt for Sephiroth to see.

"Ah crap," Sephiroth said, "What time does Blockbuster close at?"

"Hell if I know," replied Vegeta, "Snake?"

"Beats me," Snake replied, "It's Sunday, so like... five-o'clock, like all the other stores," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Five-o'clock! It's, like, four now!" yelled Vegeta, pointing at the wall clock.

"Three-o'clock. That clock is one hour too fast," said Sephiroth.

"Well, whatever. I'm not paying any late fees. Those bastards charge ten dollars per additional day!" Vegeta yelled.

"Ten dollars?" asked Snake, "Sure that's true?"

"It has to be. I looked it up," Vegeta replied. He then shoved the Blockbuster tapes into Protoman's hand, "Go rewind the tapes, you."

"My name's not Yu, it's Proto--" Protoman started, before noticing Vegeta's murderous stare, "Okay, going."

A weird silence filled the room as Protoman walked back through the kitchen, and into Vegeta's room, where he began to rewind the videotapes.

"So... how was Murdalizer?" asked Sephiroth.

"Both are direct-to-video movies," Vegeta replied.

Sephiroth made a disgusted face, "Nevermind then. I've lost all interest in seeing them."

"Yeah," Vegeta said, making the same face, "The first one is two hours of Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicking terrorists, and the second one is two hours of Jean-Claude Van-Damme doing the splits and punching terrorists in the pud."

Snake chuckled, "Stupid, gullible terrorists."

About five more minutes passed, before Protoman rushed back into the living room, "Guys! The movies are done."

Vegeta snatched the tapes from Protoman's hand, held them into the air, and pointed towards the door, "To Blockbuster!"

Sephiroth raised his hand, "Shotgun!"

Protoman raised his hand as well, "Shotgun's lap!"

Sephiroth hung his head, "Ugh..."

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	2. Chapter 2: Who Ya' Gonna Call?

Chapter II - Who 'Ya Gonna Call?

"Snake," Sephiroth began, "Please tell me you can find your keys." He was standing against a support pillar inside the apartment building's underground parking garage, holding his head with one hand.

"Buddy, you try wearing as many compartments on your person at one time, and see how well you find your stuff," Snake replied, fumbling around inside the many pouches on his vest, hip pouches, leg pouches, even his boots.

"I'm two seconds away from breaking this door and throwing it at you," said Vegeta, as calmly as he could muster.

"Then how would YOU start the car?" asked Snake.

"I would hotwire it," replied Vegeta.

"You don't know how to hotwire a car," countered Snake.

"I picked up the info from a friend," said Vegeta.

"Pfft. I don't believe a word of it," Snake said, still aimlessly searching for his car keys.

Sephiroth finally snapped and yelled, "Find the damn keys!"

Protoman, hidden behind the vehicle, held his hand into the air, with a ring of keys in hand, "Are these them?"

Snake glanced at the keys, then held his head in one hand, "Protoman, I swear to God..."

Sephiroth snatched the keys out of Protoman's hand, "Kill him later, let's just go." he said, handing the keys to Snake.

Snake opened the front car door, got inside, then reached around and manually opened everyone's door.

"Dude, you need power locks," said Sephiroth, who took the passenger seat.

"Yeah, well, this piece of shit is all I can afford on my current budget," said Snake, turning the car on. The radio started up, and was turned to an oldies swing music station.

"This car is officially old school," said Protoman, who began to hum along to the music.

Suddenly, the flouresent lights lighting up the parking garage began to flicker on and off, in intervals of about five seconds. Snake turned on his headlights, and drove foreward. They were on the eighth level of the indoor parking garage, and began to drive downwards to ground level.

"Who'da thunk that we'd get a blackout now?" pondered Sephiroth, "This is just good timing that you guys finished the movie now."

The car headlights then went out, as did the rest of the parking garage's lights. After a moment, a single light came on in a corner of the garage. Standing in the corner was a small girl, dressed in a white nightgown, with long black hair hanging over her face. In an instant, the lights flickered back off. When the lights flashed on again, the girl was nowhere to be seen.

The four of them stared, completely silent. No one moved. No one blinked. No one breathed. They were completely still.

"... I hope I'm not the only one who saw a creepy little girl just now." said Vegeta.

"Um..." muttered Sephiroth, his eyes still fixated on the same corner of the garage, "It's the lighting. It's all funky. You're out of your mind, Vegeta."

Snake shook his head, and came to. He started to drive again. After driving down two levels of the garage, they were all startled by a sudden ringing.

"Oops, that's me." said Protoman. He hit a button located on the bottom half of the left side of his helmet, "Hello?"

There was several moments of silence as Protoman answered his call. Snake continued to drive, but also tried to listen in.

"Uh huh. Oh really? Oh, okay. Goodbye." Protoman said, and pressed the same button again, which hung up his phone, "Um, apparently, our seven days are up. I think it was a telemarketer."

Again, the lights completely went off.

"Son of a bitch." they all uttered simultaniously.

The headlights of Snake's car came on again, and standing five feet in front of the car was the same little girl they had all seen standing in the corner.

"SON OF A BITCH!" they all yelled.

Snake reflexively whipped out his gun, and blasted the creepy girl through the windshield. The girl, unscathed, hopped onto the car roof. Snake drove away as quick as the car could move, trying to shake her off.

"Here!" Snake said to Sephiroth, handing him his gun, "Try to blast it's ass while I concentrate on getting us out of here."

"Hell no! I ain't hangin' out no window to shoot a ghost of a little girl in a frilly nightgown." Sephiroth argued.

"Do you want to get your ass EATEN by the ghost of a little girl in a frilly nightgown?" yelled Snake, turning a corner.

"You gotta admit, Seph," said Vegeta, "That seems like the most fagtacular way to die."

"Wait... ghosts don't eat people." said Sephiroth.

"Oh, give it here, cheese dick," said Vegeta, snatching the gun out from Snake's hand, "I'll show you how it's done."

Vegeta turned to his side, and placed his hand on the window crank, "Roll-down windows, Snake?"

"Not a good time to complain, Vegeta!" said Snake, turning a corner again. They were about three floors from ground level.

Vegeta rolled down his window, and hung out the side. On the roof, the little girl ghost was clawing at the side of the roof where Protoman was sitting. He shot the girl, once in the temple, once in the cheek, and once in the neck. The bullets passed through her like air, leaving her unharmed. The girl then turned her attention to Vegeta.

"Ah fuck," he muttered. In a last ditch attempt to stop the girl, Vegeta charged energy into his right hand, closed his eyes, and fired a ball of energy at the little girl.

The ball of energy passed through her, and collided with the parking garage wall. It exploded, sending debris everywhere and demolishing the concrete, exposing sunlight.

When Vegeta re-opened his eyes, the little girl ghost was still there, staring at him...

... and then the car came to a sudden, crashing stop, startling Vegeta, and throwing the girl forwards. Vegeta, gathering himself, climbed back into the car.

"What the HELL just happened?" he asked.

"I swirved to avoid some punk kid and accidently hit a car," Snake replied, unbuckling his seat belt and climbing out of his car. Everyone followed suit.

As Sephiroth inspected the damage, his eyes widened, "Yeah, the Super's car."

Before Snake could take in what he had done, he was struck from behind with a kick to the head, sending him to the concrete floor.

"Wanna watch where you're going, asshole? You nearly ran me over!"

The kid was a high school student. He was wearing plain black dress slacks and shoes, with a plain white dress shirt with the collar undone. His hair was short, spiky, and colored red-orange.

"Ichigo!" said a female voice to the kid, "We have no time. Hurry!" The girl was a foot shorter than Ichigo; she was wearing a grey school blazer, and a smoke-grey schoolgirl's kilt. Her hair was long, just reaching her shoulders, and a long bang of hair hung in front of her face.

She pulled a red, fingerless glove onto her right hand. On it was a design of a skull surrounded by blue flames. She quickly grabbed Ichigo's face, and her hand went through his head, as though it were transparent. A second form of Ichigo was pulled out of Ichigo's original body, which now lay lifeless on the concrete.

"Hey, easy, Rukia!" Ichigo said, collecting himself, "I still need that body, you know."

Ichigo was now dressed in a completely different attire; he was wearing a black Japanese samurai kimono, with white layering underneith, wooden sandals on his feet, and on his back was a gigantic sword sheath. It started at his shoulders, and ran down to the back of his calves.

"Sorry, but we needed a quick soul extraction this time. The spirit energy this Hollow is emitting is enormous." said Rukia.

"Would that be it...?" asked Ichigo, pointing to the ghost of the little girl, who was now getting back up off the pavement.

"Yes!" exclaimed Rukia, "But... that's not a Hollow. That's just a very creepy lost soul."

"Eh; waste of my time." said Ichigo, walking towards the little girl. He reached behind him, and unsheathed the gigantic blade. It was about five feet tall and seven inches wide.

He then reversed the sword so that the hilt was facing the little girl, and he tapped her forehead with it. A portal of light opened behind her, and she was sucked inside.

The four roommates just watched and stared in utter confusion.

"Uh..." Sephiroth uttered, "What the hell just happened?"

"I don't know, but I'm emensely turned on." said Protoman.

In a heartbeat, a car came crashing through the parking garage gate. It was a retro-styled station wagon, pained white and red. On the doors was a logo of sorts - a white anthropromorphic ghost trapped inside of a "no" symbol.

When the car stopped, four men - each dressed in grey jumpsuits - climbed out in a hurry, shouting "hurry!" and "move!". On their shoulders was the same logo that was painted on the side of their car. On their backs, they wore metallic backpacks, with a gun-like device tethered to the backpack by a short cord.

"Ghostbusters here!" one of the men said. He was tall and thin, with short hair and glasses, "Who called for a ghost extermination?"

Rukia answered him, confused, "Oh, no, we already took care of the--"

"There it is!" shouted a short, balding Ghostbuster, pointing at Ichigo.

"Fire, men! Don't let it get away!" the thin man ordered the rest of his crew. All four Ghostbusters grabbed the gun-like devices on their backpacks, and pressed a button near the butt end. A thin beam of light shot out of each of them, almost resembling lightning, each hitting Ichigo. Ichigo struggled, but couldn't move.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not a ghost!" he yelled to them, trying to break free.

"Don't listen to him, guys. He's trying to trick us!" the thin Ghostbuster said, "Hurry, get the trap!"

The balding Ghostbuster reached behind him, and retrieved a small red and white striped box from the side of his backpack. On the bottom of it were four revolving wheels, and was tethered to the backpack by a longer cord.

The four men hoisted Ichigo so that he hovered over the box. The box opened and a large ray of light engulfed Ichigo, slowly sucking him into the box.

"AUGH! You sons of bitches, what the fuck are you-- mmph!" Ichigo's words were interrupted when the box swollowed him, and closed.

The firing seized, and the thin man retrieved the box. Ichigo's muffled shouts and insults could faintly be heard.

Even more confused than before, the four roomies didn't even know what to think.

"Guys, I suggest we get out of here before things get even more fucked up." said Vegeta, opening his car door.

"I second that." replied Snake, following Vegeta. Once everyone was back inside, Snake backed his car up - ignoring the damage done to his front bumper and headlights - and slowly drove past the four Ghostbusters, and out through the hole in the gate.

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"Okay miss, we're outta here. We'll bill the landlord for the ghost extermination." said the thin man, opening his car door, "Have a nice day."

The balding man spoke next, "And remember..."

"WE AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST!" they all shouted simultaneously.

Rukia chased them as they exited the parking garage, "Wait! You don't understand! Ugh..." She turned back into the garage, and started to drag Ichigo's body.

Behind her, a short, stalky man came from around the corner. He wore a red sweater, blue overalls, and white gloves. On his feet were brown shoes, and on his head was a red cap, with a large letter M on the front, inside of a white circle. He also had blue eyes, and a large handlebar moustache under his large round nose.

He dropped his keys on the pavement, and his eyes widened.

"Sweet merciful crap! My car!"

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"Oh thank God, we're finally out of that freakshow." said Sephiroth, breathing a sign of relief.

"Hell yeah," said Snake, "And Blockbuster's just ten minutes away."

Their car rolled down a city block, and stopped at a red light.

"Say Snake," began Vegeta, after a pause, "If you had a car, why'd you bus down to Club Konami? Why not drive?"

"You know... I honestly don't remember." replied Snake.

The light turned to green, and Snake stepped on the gas. He barely made it a foot in distance before a loud pop started them all, and the car stopped moving.

"Oh yeah," groaned Snake, "That's why."

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	3. Chapter 3: A Man Who Loves His Taffy

Chapter III - A Man Who Loves His Taffy

First startup attempt, failed. Second startup attempt, failed. Their car had died on them.

"Snake," began Vegeta, closing his eyes and trying to remain calm, "You know that if I have to get out of this car, you leave me no choice but to kill you."

"Understandable." replied Snake, attempting to start his car for a third time.

"I will rip out your heart, and eat it. ALL OF IT."

Vegeta was then interrupted by the blaring sound of car horns behind them, accompanied by slurs and insults from drivers.

"Hey, let's get out and push this thing out of the way before we're all lynched." Sephiroth suggested, stepping out of the car. Vegeta and Protoman followed suit, while Snake remained inside of the car.

"Hey, cheese dick," said Vegeta, "Come out and help push your retarded car."

"Who's gonna steer it out of the streets then?" replied Snake.

Vegeta paused, "... touché, Snake."

Sephiroth, Vegeta, and Protoman began to push the dead vehicle, which slowly rolled past the street light. Snake slowly steered the car, and parked it parallel to the sidewalk on the other side of the intersection.

"Well then, Snake," said Sephiroth, leaning against the trunk of Snake's car and catching his breath, "Got any bright ideas?"

"Triple A!" Protoman randomly shouted, then went completely silent.

"Wha--? Triple A?" asked Snake.

"Yeah. I searched 'my car broke down' on Google, hit the 'I'm feeling lucky' button, and this website came up," Protoman explained to them, "They're a towing service."

"He has a good idea, Snake," said Sephiroth, "And maybe we can get the tow-truck dude to quickly drop us off at Blockbuster Video."

"Not bad! I like it," said Snake, "Call 'em up, Protoman."

"I'm on the job!" Protoman announced, before zoning out, making dialing noises from inside his helmet.

Sephiroth leaned over and whispered to Snake, "Since when did Protoman have internet and phone capabilities?"

Snake stared at him for a second, "I take it that you didn't get TV under that gigantic rock you were living under."

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Somewhere on the other side of Big City, deep in the downtown area, Trevor Belmont stood shirtless on top of the roof of his luxury condominium building - Belmont Condos - which he owned. He himself took residence in the penthouse suite. On the rooftop was his own private pool and bar, with stairs located beside it, leading to his penthouse condo.

"How dare he?" Trevor growled, "He humiliated me! ME! I'm Trevor-fucking-Belmont, millionaire bachelor!"

Trevor cracked his leather whip - the Vampire Killer - which hit a makeshift dummy. It was a mannequin he had found, with a foam head, wrapped in a black headband. He had drawn a face on the foam head, with beady eyes, eyebrows in a scowl, and a frowning mouth. On it's chest, he had written messily with a sharpie marker, "Snake".

"Damn that Solid Snake." he said, readying his whip for another crack.

Two women emerged from the pool; one had short, red hair and green eyes, wearing a burgundy two-piece swimsuit. The other girl had long, brown hair in one long braid, with brown eyes, and wore a black two-piece swimsuit.

"Don't lose your cool, Mr. Belmont." said the red-headed girl.

"That Solid Snake is nothing compared to YOU." said the brunette.

"Oh ladies, I'm not worried," laughed Trevor, cracking his whip again at the Snake dummy, "I have the perfect plan to put that bastard in his place." Trevor then started to laugh, slowly at first, and gradually gaining speed and volume.

The ladies stared at each other, nervous looks on their faces. Trevor spontaneously stopped his laughter, breathed in, and continued to laugh.

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"There's too many men, too many people, causing too many problems! And there's not much love to go 'round! Can't you see this is a land of confusion?"

"For the love of God, somebody tell Protoman to stop singing..." said Vegeta, trying desperately to cover his ears and drown Protoman out.

"Okay, this Triple-A tow-truck guy is taking way too long," said Snake, "It's been forty-five minutes."

"Guess he should be here any second now." said Sephiroth.

"A-A-A-ANY second now!" exclaimed Protoman, who then continued singing, "This is the world we live in!"

Vegeta finally snapped and grabbed Protoman by his scarf, "I really don't care if you're Snake's property or not - if you don't start singing, I'll turn your ass into spare parts to fix my electric guitar!"

Protoman ignored Vegeta's threat, and instead, pointed past him, "Lookit."

Vegeta turned his head. Behind him was a large blue tow-truck, with three upper case letter A's painted inside of an oval on the side of it's front doors. The driver honked, which played the first ten notes of "La Cucaracha"

"Final-fucking-ly," said Sephiroth, getting up from his seat on the curb, "Let's go."

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Ten minutes later, they were on the road, their car being successfully towed behind them. Sephiroth was seated up front, much to his discomfort, while the rest of them took up the back seat.

Their driver was a normal, yet somewhat creepy individual. He was a middle-aged, grey-haired man, wearing a blue golf t-shirt, and beige dockers. What was creepy about him was his rather open personality and attitude towards the four roommates.

"Hi there, friend," he spoke, after a while of awkward silence, "My name is Adam. What's your name?"

Reluctant to answer properly, Sephiroth quickly thought of an alias.

"Name's... Cloud. Cloud Strife." he blurted out.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Strife," Adam said, then turned to glance at the passenger in the back seat, "And you all?"

Snake answered first, "Um... it's Pliskin. No last name, like Cher, or Eminem."

"Brutus," said Vegeta, "Brutus von Flex."

"I'm Protoman, nice to meet 'cha, Adam!" Protoman exclaimed, while the others shook their heads, shaking Adam's hand.

"It's nice to meet you all, gentlemen," replied Adam, "Now, before we get to the garage, I need to quickly grab something from my house, so I hope you all don't mind if we take a small detour?" he asked them, as he turned out of the city and onto the highway.

"Well, you see," started Sephiroth, "We're on a bit of a time constraint, and we'd really like to--"

"I don't think you quite understand, Mr. Strife," Adam said, "My tow-truck, my rules." At that moment, he swirved the truck and skidded completely around, then continued to drive against oncoming traffic.

"Now," Adam said, "It would be a shame if there were to be some sort of collision," He swirved left and right, avoiding the vehicles coming towards them, "Wouldn't it, Mr. Strife?"

Sephiroth was wide-eyed, holding onto the dashboard for his life. He reached his his seatbelt, but it had been cut. Snake, Vegeta and Protoman held onto anything they could.

"Okay! Okay!" Sephiroth yelled, "We can take a detour!"

Adam smirked, "I thought you'd see things my way sooner or later." He then swirved again, turning completely around once more, and continued driving the correct way.

"By the way, friend," Adam said, his voice back to a friendlier tone, "My last name is West. Just thought you'd like to know."

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Twenty minutes down the highway was Adam West's country home. It was an average house, nothing extraordinary. The driveway was hidden, which led right onto the highway. It was surrounded by woodland, and only about fifty feet of the area surrounding his house was treeless ground, covered in leaves.

"You guys feel free to walk around and stretch your legs," Adam said, as he packed and got out of his truck, "I'll be right back." Adam turned and started into his home, but quickly turned back.

"And remember - stay out of the shed." he told them, pointing to an old, run-down wooden shed. He then dashed into his house.

The four roommates got out of the truck, and began to quietly walk around. The leaves on his driveway crackled under their feet.

"This is bullshit," said Snake, holding his head, "This is bullshit in it's purest form."

"Yeah, we're picked up by a crazy tow-truck driver, almost killed on the highway, waste an hour of our precious tape-returning time," said Vegeta, "And it's all because of YOU." Vegeta pointed his finger at Sephiroth.

"ME?" exclaimed Sephiroth, pointing towards himself, "What the hell did I do? It was SNAKE who thought it was a good idea!"

"Pfft! As if. It's Protoman who gave us the idea." said Snake.

"Well, he's technically your robot, Snake." said Sephiroth.

"You persuaded me to let him phone!" argued Snake.

"Oh, please, just--"

Sephiroth was suddenly interrupted, with the side screen door of the house sprang open. A costumed man lept down the small stairs, and onto the ground.

"Behold, cretins!" the costumed man said, "Fear the Dark Knight!"

The four guys simply stood, and stared, bewildered at what was in front of them. He was dressed in a grey, full-bodied leotard, and a black pair of spandex briefs, that showed his chubby, middle-aged form. He was wearing black gloves and black boots. On his head was a black leather mask that hid everything except for his mouth and eyes. On either side of his mask was small, pointed rubber ears, pointed upwards. Around his waist was a multi-compartment belt, and on his shoulders was a long black cape, reaching down to the back of his thighs. Lastly, there was a logo of a small, black bat encased in a yellow oval in the middle of his chest.

"... Adam?" asked Snake, squinting at the spectacle.

"No, Pliskin," the man said, "When I don this suit, I am Adam no more. I am... BATMAN!" he exclaimed, holding his arms at his sides and pushing out his chest.

Nothing but more silence came from the four roommates.

"Yes, that's great and all, but, can we get going now?" asked Sephiroth, pointing his thumb back to the tow-truck.

"No can do, friends," Adam said, "If we are to continue, one of you must best me in combat!"

More silence.

"... say what?" asked Vegeta.

"Can you do it, men? CAN YOU?" taunted Adam, throwing fists into the air and posing in various martial arts stances.

"You've got to be shitting us," said Snake, "We're on some demented form of Candid Camera, aren't we?"

"I shit you not, Pliskin," said Adam, "So, who's it gonna be? You? Mr. von Flex? Mr. Cloud Strife? Hmm?"

Vegeta, Snake and Protoman exchanged glances, and then trained their attention towards Sephiroth.

Sephiroth hung his head, "Son of a bitch."

-------


	4. Chapter 4: The Duel

Chapter IV - The Duel

"Hello?" answered the short, stalky superintendant upon answering his phone.

"Yes; am I speaking with Superintendant Mario?" asked the swave, debonair voice on the other line.

"Yes-ah, this is-ah Super Mario. Who'sah 'dis?" he asked, twitching his large moustache, and scratching his head.

"My name is Trevor Belmont, sir. I'm wondering if you'd be able to give me some insight to the whereabouts of Snake and or his roommates," he said, "I'm wanting to see him about an incident last night."

"Heh," laughed Mario, "You and-ah me both, pal. I just caught the fucker on security camera after he fendered my-ah Chevy. Wasn't the first time, either."

"Well, well, Mr. Mario, looks like you and I have a common enemy. What do you say me and you go searching for Snake together?" asked Trevor.

"Sounds-ah like a plan," said Mario, "I'll be outside the building in ten minutes. I trust you know where it is."

"But of course. I'll be there in no time. So long."

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"Okay, Mr. Strife, the rules are simple," Adam began, "No hitting below the belt, no hitting when the other man is down, and you lose automatically if you exit the ring - aka the surrounding forest."

"Yeah, gotcha," Sephiroth said, reaching to his side, and noticing that nothing was there. "Crap. I would have to leave my sword at home, wouldn't I?" He felt around his waist, "And my materia is missing too..."

"Ah; if you feel more comfortable with a weapon, check the shed. That's why I told you all to stay out of there." said Adam, who began walking towards the wooden shed.

The roommates followed Adam, and watched as about a dozed bladed weapons, blunt weapons and firearms were displayed to them as Adam opened the shed doors.

"Take your pick, Mr. Strife," said Adam, with a grin, "I'll be waiting." He then walked back to the center of the ring.

Vegeta leaned in and whispered, "We need to get out of here before this psycho turns us into lampshades."

"Yeah, I'll say," said Snake, "Seph, you fight this creep long enough for Vegeta to use his superior carjacking skills."

"Me?" asked Vegeta.

"Yes, YOU. Let's see those hotwiring skills you supposedly picked up to steal this fuck's tow-truck," said Snake.

"I'm not opposed to the idea," said Sephiroth. He then turned to the weapons shed. Of the bladed weapons Adam owned, there was only one blade that almost resembled his own - a sheathed Japanese katana, "Let's do it to it."

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"Are you finally ready for our match, Mr. Strife?" asked Adam, as Sephiroth approached the center ring.

Sephiroth had one hand kept on the katana, which was clipped onto the right side of his belt, "Uh huh."

"Then; enguarde, evil-doer!" Adam yelled, as he ran towards Sephiroth.

"Evil-do--?" Sephiroth began, but then lept into the air to avoid Adam, and flipped over him. Upon landing, he unsheathed the sword, and held it in front of him with both hands...

... except, he noticed there was something odd about it. The front of the sword was blunt, while the back of the sword was the side that was sharpened.

"A reversed-blade sword!" exclaimed Sephiroth, "What kind of joke IS this?"

Adam charged at Sephiroth, "Have at you!"

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"Jeez, Sephiroth's having quite a tough time against this freak," said Snake, seated next to Vegeta in the front seat, watching the fight out of the windshield.

"He's just holding back," said Vegeta, toying around with various wires under the steering wheel, "He's only supposed to distract him, not horribly mangle his fragile little psychotic body until his entrails cover this area and make this place look like a scene from a Tarantino movie."

Snake paused, "... touché, Vegeta."

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Adam reached into a compartment on his belt, "You're much more talented than I once thought, Mr. Strife, having survived my maelstrom of punching fury."

"What can I say?" said Sephiroth, shrugging his shoulders.

"But let's see how well you fare against my patented batarangs!" Adam said, pulling out three bat-shaped pieces of thin metal, and fanning them out in his right hand.

Sephiroth stood firmly, sword in hand, as Adam threw the batarangs. As they headed toward him, he held his sword near his face. He deflected the first two perfectly, but the third one made it through his defenses, and hit his forehead.

"Gaahh!" Sephiroth yelped as the batarang bounced off and fell to the ground, "What the HELL? What IS that, aluminum? What if that hit my eye or something? Now it's probably gonna leave a dent or a mark! It'll look like I have a bindi..." Sephiroth continued on as he felt his forehead for a mark.

"Amazing," Adam said to himself, "He took a direct hit from my batarang and survived. He's even more exceptional than I once thought."

At that moment, the two fighting men were interrupted by the sound of Adam's unique car horn.

"Seph, c'mon! We're outta here!" yelled Snake out of the window, as Vegeta started to back up out of the driveway.

Sephiroth glanced at Adam, immediately dropped his sword, and ran towards the car.

"Oh no, you don't!" yelled Adam, running after Sephiroth. He grabbed ahold of Sephiroth's coat, and dragged him to the ground.

"HEE-YAH!" Sephiroth yelled, as he turned around and planted the bottom of his foot across Adam's face, forcing him to let go. He then got up, and ran to the truck, jumping into the exposed back end.

"Drive, fuckers! Drive!" Sephiroth ordered.

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Adam looked up from the muddy ground just in time to watch the four roommates take off with his tow-truck. He rose to his feet, and brushed himself off.

"Oh, you're good, Mr. Strife," Adam said, "But you still can't beat the bat."

He quickly ran to his garage, and opened it. Inside was dark, except for in one corner, where a single florescent light was flickering on and off.

"Excellent," said Adam, smirking, "Come to daddy, baby."

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"Okay, it looks like we're clear," said Snake, looking out his window, "He doesn't seem to be following us."

As if on cue, out from the hidden driveway came Adam, riding a two-wheeled bicycle, with two flags with pictures of bats on both handlebars. On the back was a small, homemade rocket, pushing him closer to the tow-truck.

"GAHH!" yelled Snake, "Drive faster, man!"

Vegeta pushed harder on the gas pedal, but their speed stayed the same, "I can't! This is as fast as it can go!"

"Fudgepackers." said Snake, looking out his window again. Adam was slowly gaining, and was almost at the back of Snake's car, that was still being towed behind.

"Fools!" yelled Adam, smiling, "You can't out-run the batcycle!" He turned the right handlebar backwards, and the rocket revved, propelling him forwards. Once he was side-by-side with Snake's car, he lept from the batcycle, and climbed onto the truck of the car.

"Guys!" Sephiroth yelled, "I'm going to disconnect your car from the tow-truck!"

"Like hell, you are!" said Snake, "That's my fucking car!"

"Not to mention we forgot the tapes in the glove compartment." Vegeta added.

Sephiroth grumbled, "What should I do then? He's climbed onto your car and is headed this way."

"Fight him off, then!" yelled Snake.

Sephiroth grumbled again, "You owe me for this." he said, pointing his finger at Snake. He then turned around and started to make his way toward Adam.

"Trying to run from our match, are you, Mr. Strife?" asked Adam, "For a warrior with skills like yours, that is most dishonorable."

"Cram it, Adam." Sephiroth said, trying to keep his balance as the truck swayed. With a deep breath, he then lept onto the front hood of Snake's car.

"If you chip any paint or make a dent, you know I WILL murder you in your sleep," said Snake out the window.

"Not the time, Snake!" yelled Sephiroth, who caught his balance, and dodged a punch from Adam. He noticed an opening, and hit Adam on the left side of the face.

POW!

"Swift fella, aren't 'cha?" asked Adam, "I expected that from you," Adam then kneed Sephiroth in the side.

BIFF!

"But not swift enough." he added.

The car swirved, causing the two to partially lose their balance. Sephiroth quickly punched Adam's jaw,

ZAP!

followed by a fast punch to his mid-section,

YORK!

Adam stumbled backwards, "You're really good, Mr. Strife," he said, standing back up straight.

"I try." said Sephiroth.

"Well, Mr. Strife, it would be a shame to defeat such a worthy opponent, but I have a reputation to uphold." said Adam. He then lifted his leg, and quickly kicked Sephiroth...

... that is, until Sephiroth caught his foot, and spun it, causing Adam to lose his balance, and fall on top of the trunk.

"Knights of Columbus, what a manuver," said Adam, stunned, "Well done, Mr. Str--"

At that moment, his long black cape had gotten caught inside the hubcap of the left back wheel.

"Father Christmas!" he exclaimed, as the wheel pulled him off the car, ripping the cape off his back. He rolled along the highway, and was soon out of sight.

Sephiroth swept the bangs out of his eyes, and blinked, "Whew. It's pretty dangerous up here, isn't it?"

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Once he fell off the car, Adam rolled about a dozen or so times, before coming to a muddy stop at the ditch at the side of the highway.

"So, I have finally been defeated," he said, watching his stolen tow-truck driving off without him down the highway, "I'm glad that it was someone like him. It looks like I have finally found a worthy successor."

He got up, and brushed himself off. He looked around at cars passed.

"... now, how am I gonna explain this to Triple-A?"

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"Well, creepy guy's gone." Sephiroth said, sitting back down in the back of the tow-truck.

"Did you dent my car?" asked Snake.

Sephiroth paused for a second, then stood up, leaned his leg out of the back of the truck, and stomped hard on top of Snake's hood with the heel of his boot. He then sat back down, and replied to Snake, "No."

"I hope you're ready to die tonight." said Snake.

"Shut up, you two," Vegeta said, turning into an exit, "We're approaching Big City again."

"Well, thank Ghandi." said Snake, who lit a cigarette, inhaled, and blew the smoke out his window.

"You know that gives you cancer of the lungs, right?" asked Protoman, leaning over the front seat.

"Eat me." Snake replied. At that moment, Vegeta went over a bump, and Snake dropped his cigarette. The butt fell between the car seat and the car door.

"GAH!" yelped Snake.

"What did you do now?" asked Vegeta.

"I dropped my fucking cigarette!" Snake replied, fumbling underneith his seat for it.

"Well find it before something catches fire!" Vegeta yelled, still trying to keep control of the truck.

It was then that the entire floor of the car on Snake's side erupted in flames.

"AUGH!" Snake screamed.

"What the FUCK did you do!" yelled Vegeta.

"I don't know! He has fucking bottles of liquor stashed under here!" Snake yelled.

"Put it out then!" Vegeta ordered, swerving through the road.

"What am I gonna do, blow on it!"

Crash.

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The four roommates stood out on the grass, and watched as their new stolen pickup truck was burned to the ground. The front of the truck was wrapped around a tree - Vegeta had lost control of it in the panic, ran off the road, and crashed into an oak.

"Do you see now?" said Protoman, "This is a sign! You have bad karma, Snake."

"Now is not the time, Protoman..." Snake said, "Do you have the tapes?"

Sephiroth held them for him to see, "Just got them out of your glove compartment."

"Good," Snake said, as he reached into his front pocket on his vest, and pulled out four tickets, "Wanna take the bus?"

-------


	5. Chapter 5: Enter: Marty

Chapter V - Enter: Marty

"Superintendant Mario?" asked Trevor Belmont, as he rolled down the window of his black BMW. He was parked outside of Mario's apartment complex, and the superintendant himself was standing out in front.

"That's-ah me." Mario replied.

"Hop in. Let's catch those blokes." Belmont said, opening the passenger side door open for Mario. Mario was a short man, so when he sat down, his head barely saw over the dashboard. Trevor drove around the circular driveway of the apartment building, and onto the city streets.

"So," Belmont began, "Where do you think they are?"

"Well, let me think for a second," Mario said, pulling out a small pocket map of the city, "I think the most likely places would-ah be the adult bookstore, the liquor shop, the World War two memorabilia museum, and-ah Toys R Us." He circled these locations on the map with a red marker.

Trevor raised an eyebrow, and paused for a second, "... to the adult bookstore then."

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"This sucks." said Vegeta, arms folded across his chest, with a scowl on his face.

"Yes, yes, we know," Sephiroth replied, "You've been repeating that for the last fifteen minutes."

The roommates were standing at an intersection in the heart of the city. The intersection was bustling with traffic, which often slowed down. On each corner was a bus stop.

Vegeta groaned in annoyance, "What time is it, Snake?"

"Ehh," Snake pulled off his left hand glove, and pulled up his sleeve to check his watch, "Four... thirty."

"Great," Vegeta said, holding one side of his head, "Four thirty. And here we are, standing out here waiting for the damn bus."

He glanced at Snake, "And you know what pisses me off?" Vegeta asked, and then pointed across the street, "That bus stop had a shelter, THAT bus stop has a shelter, and THAT bus stop has a shelter. Every stop except this one has a motherfucking shelter."

"Oh yes, poor us," said Snake, "There's nothing to protect us from this horrible August cold and snow."

"And another thing!" Vegeta added, "Each stop has had it's bus come at least once, except for ours."

"I think you need to invest some time into stress management, Vegeta," said Protoman, "Might I interest you in a squishy stress ball?"

"Hayter, tell your robot to shut it's mouth before I use it's head as a fucking stress ball." Vegeta said.

"You know, if you'd quit complaining for one second, you might realize that our bus is right behind you." Snake replied, pointing behind Vegeta.

Vegeta turned around, and stared into the doorway of the bus, which quickly opened for him. Inside, the bus driver smiled at him.

"Howdy-do, stranger. Going my way?" the bus driver said to Vegeta, waving and smiling.

"Well it's about time, you!" shouted Vegeta, stepping onto the bus. He slipped his ticket into the ticket slot, and retrieved his transfer.

The bus driver himself was fairly aged. He was in his mid-fifties, with greying hair, and some wrinkles on his hands and face. He also wore a constant smile on his face.

"I can smell the uncanny stench of failure all over you," the bus driver said to Vegeta, smiling.

Vegeta felt his left eye twitch, "What was that?"

"You heard me, you blood-soaked vaginal rag," the driver said, before turning to Snake, "Hello friend!"

Vegeta walked onto the bus and grumbled as he took a seat near the front, "Damn senile old fool."

Snake followed Vegeta as he deposited his ticket, and took a seat next to him, "That is the best bus driver EVER."

"Hmph, says you." Vegeta replied.

Sephiroth and Protoman followed after Snake, and took the seats adjacent to Snake and Vegeta. The bus started up again.

"We're off and on our way, friends!" the bus driver shouted happily, his foot pressing on the pedal.

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"So we checked the adult bookstore." said Trevor, as he drove his car down the city street.

"That's-ah right," said Mario, with an open map on the dashboard in front of him, "There are some things you just can't un-see."

"And we've checked the liquor shop," continued Trevor.

Mario nodded, checkmarking the liquor shop on his map with a marker.

Trevor scratched his head, "And the man who runs the World War two memorabilia museum nearly killed us," he said, "The only place that leaves us with is..."

"Toys-ah R Us." Mario finished.

The two of them went silent for a moment, as Trevor stopped his car as they approached a red light.

"Why in the world would they go to--?" Trevor began.

His sentence was interrupted as Mario glanced at him, eyebrow raised.

"... oh, that's right. Retarded..." he finished, as Mario folded the map and placed it in the glove compartment.

Traffic began to move again, and Trevor followed the flow. As cars moved ahead, he soon found himself stuck behind a city bus.

"Ah shit," he muttered, "Damn good-for-nothing busses." He merged into the next lane and found himself beside the bus at the next traffic light.

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"Ehh," Sephiroth sighed, brushing his bangs out of his face, "Who knew that riding the bus would be so boring? Where are the sparklers? The cheerleaders? The mascot?"

"This is public transit, Seph, not half-time at the Super Bowl." said Snake.

Sephiroth grumbled and slouched in his seat, "I should've brought my laser pointer keychain."

There was a short silence amongst them, before Protoman broke it, "Hey! I know what we can do!" he said, "I spy, with my little eye... something that is... red."

The three roommates looked around aimlessly, trying to figure out what it was.

"... is it your helmet?" asked Sephiroth.

"This time, it's not!" exclaimed Protoman.

Snake pointed to the back of the bus, "Is it the blood in that man's puke?"

Protoman shook his head, "Do you guys give up?"

"Well, seeing that this is a total and utter waste of our time..." began Vegeta, "Yes."

Protoman pointed out the bus window behind Snake, "It's Super Mario's cap, guys. You really stink at this game."

Almost instantly, their eyes widened as they spotted their moustachioed superintendant inside the front seat of a black BMW, right beside their bus.

Sephiroth shifted in his seat, "... think he knows about his car?"

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"... I mean, it's not like I ASKED to become a vampire hunter, you know. It was kind of like... my destiny," said Trevor.

"Uh huh." replied Mario, hardly listening to him.

"I guess it couldn't be helped. I mean, vampire hunting was in my ancestry for as long as I could remember. The Belmont clan has always had a feud with the lord of the undead." Trevor continued.

"I wonder why..." Mario said quietly to himself, as he turned his head to gaze out his window.

"Except, I'M the only one in my bloodline that was smart enough to fully exploit my victory. People love to hear success stories like mine; good triumphs over evil. Man versus monster. It's awe-inspiring. Soon, Hollywood should contact me for a--"

Trevor's self-praising speech was then interrupted as Mario began to tap his shoulder. He turned to his right and was motioned by Mario to look out the window.

"We've-ah got them," Mario said, grinning.

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"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he knows about his car, Sephiroth." said Snake, as they watched Mario motion towards them.

"Who the hell is with him, though?" asked Vegeta, squinting to see through the glass window.

Snake stared closer, "... looks like Belmont's with him," Snake grunted, "I HATE that guy!"

Traffic started moving faster, as Belmont's car started to follow their bus.

"Hold on, I have an idea." said Sephiroth, standing up from his seat.

"Last time you 'had an idea', Seph," began Snake, making the quotation marks with his fingers, "The three of us woke up handcuffed in the back of a windowless van, wearing boxer shorts that weren't ours, while two Mexican guys shouted at each other outside."

"But I got our Eggo waffles back, didn't I?" Sephiroth retorted.

"Just go on with your idea." said Snake.

Sephiroth paused for a second, then started towards the front of the bus.

"Hey, um, excuse me, Mr. Bus Driver sir..." he started.

"Martin," the bus driver said, smiling, "But you can call me Marty."

"Okay, um... Marty. Listen, there's somebody following the bus that we'd like to lose. Think you can help us out with that?" asked Sephiroth.

"Somebody's bothering you? Leave it to me, bud. I'll handle them for 'ya." said Marty.

"Whew," said Sephiroth, "Thanks a lot, Marty." He turned to sit back down in his seat.

"Oh, where are you going?" Marty asked, "I need someone to take over the bus."

Sephiroth stared at him, "... say what now?"

"You heard me. How else am I gonna get them off your backs?" said Marty.

"But, someone else can do it, right guys?" Sephiroth turned to look at Snake and Vegeta.

Vegeta held his chin and looked nonchalantly out the window. Snake raised his eyebrows and motioned his head towards the steering wheel.

Sephiroth turned back to Marty, "Ah, fine."

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After awkwardly switching places with Marty the bus driver, Sephiroth was in full control of the bus.

"Just remember to follow the scheduled route. It's simple, just drive straight down this road. I'll take care of those guys following you." said Marty.

Sephiroth gripped the wheel and continued down the street, "I've never felt more terrified, or more exhilarated in my entire life." His focus was entirely on the road, his eyes never blinking, as sweat rolled onto his forehead.

"Now, how exactly do you plan on getting rid of those guys, Marty?" asked Snake.

Marty grinned, "Allow me to show you, friend."

Marty then stood in a stance with his legs in an arch. He then held his arms out at his side, and flexed his upper torso. Muscles formed seemingly from nowhere, bulking up his former scrawny body. The force of his muscles expanding caused his shirt to rip into pieces.

Snake, Vegeta and Protoman stared at him, half in awe, and half in fear.

"Holy shit, it's a mountain with a head." muttered Snake.

"What? What did he do?" asked Sephiroth, "I can't take my eyes off the road!"

-------


	6. Chapter 6: Protoman's Little Friend

Chapter VI - Protoman's Little Friend

Marty began to stretch his body, starting from his upper torso, and working down to his legs. Snake, Vegeta and Protoman continued to watch him, never blinking once.

Marty stopped his stretching exercises and gazed at them, "What in the bowels of Christ are you two staring at?"

"Um, nothing!" Snake replied.

"Certainly not your ridiculously over-muscled, reptilian-looking tank you call your body, sir." said Vegeta.

Marty stared at him, and paused, "I'll take your fear-induced accidental sarcasm as a compliment, boy"

Once he finished stretching, Marty punched his hand into a side-panel near the driver's seat, and pulled out a rather large firearm. It was a long gun, with four rotating barrels, which was fed bullets through a long bullet chain.

"Holy mother of fuck." exclaimed Snake, wide-eyed.

"I know, ain't she a beaut?" said Marty, throwing the bullet chains over his shoulder, "Even has a spiffy built-in flamethrower, for nasty close-encounters. Roasts a tasty cow too."

Snake and Vegeta began to chuckle with nervous laughter, until they realized that Marty was serious. They both gulped simultaneously.

Marty glanced out the window beside him on the right, and noticed the black BMW gaining on them.

"Hmm," Marty looked up, and spotted the emergency escape hatch, "Stay put, I'll be right back."

Marty lept up onto the handrails of the bus, and opened the hatch.

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"We're almost on them," said Trevor Belmont, smirking, "Next stop, Solid Snake, you're mine."

As he followed the bus, he noticed a man that was climbing on top of it from the inside. He was overly muscular, having the body of a muscle builder, but his face was that of an older person, possibly in his mid-fifties.

"What the hell is he doing?" he asked himself. Mario began to watch the man too.

The man looked like he was trying to lift something through the top of the bus. After a while, he finally pulled it through. It was a long, four barrelled machine gun, with a long bullet chain hanging out of it, which wrapped itself around the man, and down into the bus.

The man aimed the gun at the black BMW, and grinned.

"Mama mia!" exclaimed Mario, "He's-ah going to fire!"

Trevor chuckled, "Not to worry, my embarrassingly stereotypical Italian acquaintance. You don't buy a car like this and not take certain precautions."

The man pulled the trigger of the machine gun, and bullets came flying out of it at lightning speed. Each of the four barrels began to rotate, as a continuous spark of gunfire spewed from the nozzle.

Unfortunately, each bullet that was fired from the gigantic gun simply ricocheted off of Trevor's car. This, however, didn't cease his firing.

Trevor chuckled again, "Re-inforced bulletproof steel. Only the best for Big City's biggest bachelor."

"But how are we-ah gonna get at him?" asked Mario.

"Aux contrair," said Belmont, "I've got just the thing for him."

Trevor lifted his cigarette lighter, and shoved his finger inside, pressing a hidden button. Out of the back of the BMW, from the trunk, a hidden door opened, and a small gun came out.

"Prepare to meet your end, cretin!" Trevor yelled, and pressed another button on the underside of his steering wheel. The gun took aim at the man on top of the bus...

... and shot him with a large stream of water, completely drenching him.

"Yes! A direct hit!" exclaimed Trevor, smiling.

Mario stared at him, scowling.

Trevor stared back for a second, "You know, holy water."

Mario still stared.

"... the vampires, they don't like it..." Trevor added.

Mario slapped Trevor in the back of the head. He then motioned towards the bus, "Get me out of his line of fire."

Trevor slowed the car down, and got his car behind the bus.

"Don't tell me you're going up there." said Trevor.

Mario nodded, "This embarrassing Italian stereotype has a few tricks up his sleeve."

Trevor nodded back, and reached across to his glove compartment. He opened it up, and reached deep inside, until he felt a flip switch. When he switched it, the roof of his BMW slid back, into convertible mode.

"Why are all of these buttons in such ridiculous places?" asked Mario.

"Those dealers, it's how they get you." Trevor replied.

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"How're you holdin' up down there?" asked Marty, maintaining his balance on top of the moving bus.

"Not too bad!" replied Sephiroth, "Scared shitless, but that's alright."

"That's good," said Marty, "Fear fuels the senses, keeps you alert."

Snake looked up through the open escape hatch, "How's the situation up there?" he asked.

"Well," Marty began, "Their car is behind us, out of firing range, and a short man dressed in red and blue just climbed out of the sunroof."

Marty watched as the man reached into his pocket, and pulled out a yellow feather. He then flashed white, and reappeared, now wearing a yellow cape around his shoulders. He took one leap forward, and flew onto the bus. The BMW closed the sunroof, and returned to following the side of the bus.

Marty smirked, "Unarmed, huh? You have balls, little man."

"My name is-ah Mario," the short man replied.

"I respect you, Mario," said Marty, who reached into his left boot, and pulled out a combat knife, "It'll be a shame to waste such a worthy opponent."

Mario untied the cape from his shoulders, which returned back into a feather, and placed it back into his pocket. He then pulled his hand back, and it lit on fire. The fire formed into a ball in his palm, and he thrusted it at Marty.

Marty watched as the fireball's weight forced it to fall, and bounce off the top of the bus. When it reached Marty, it barely hit his shin before it disappeared.

Marty stared at Mario, "It that it? You intend to singe my ankles?" he laughed.

Mario scowled at Marty, and lept into the air. He came down on top of Marty, and planted his shoe across Marty's face.

"Yes! Yes!" exclaimed Marty, "That's more like it!"

Marty then swiped at Mario with the combat knife, holding it backwards in his hand. The blade had just missed cutting Mario, and instead, ripped his left shoulder suspender.

Mario paused to inspect the damage. Marty smirked and held the knife out.

"Nice coin," Marty said, "It yours?" He was holding in his other hand a large, oval golden coin.

Mario reached into his pocket, where it once was, to find it missing.

"Give it back!" he yelled.

"Come take it." said Marty.

At that moment, a large whip wrapped itself around Marty's wrist, and tried to pull him off the side of the bus. He looked backwards, and saw Trevor Belmont on top of his BMW, whip in hand.

Marty yanked on the whip, and Trevor fell off of his car, hitting the side of the bus. He never let go of his whip.

The car eventually lost control. It slid off the road, and was stopped by a concrete lamppost. The fuel leaked from the force of the impact, and sparks caused the entire car to explode.

"Shit." Belmont uttered, and climbed up the side of the bus.

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Back below, Sephiroth was still struggling to maintain control of the bus.

"How does it look, Snake?" yelled Sephiroth.

"Now Mario AND Trevor are up there fighting him. They've got him surrounded." replied Snake.

"Think someone should give him a hand?" asked Vegeta.

"Sure, but I ain't doing it." said Snake.

"Why not?" asked Sephiroth.

"After last night, my sense of balance is off-kilter, you know? I'll fall off before I'm even standing upright." said Snake.

"Well I'M not going up there." said Vegeta.

"Why not?" asked Snake.

Vegeta paused for a second, "... because I think that Protoman should do it." he said, turning around to point at Protoman. He had gone missing from the bus, the only passenger left being a homeless man in the back.

"Where IS he, anyway?" Vegeta asked, before he was swiftly kicked in the face by a metal foot hanging from the ceiling of the bus.

Snake looked up, and saw Protoman struggling to climb up through the escape hatch at the top of the bus.

"Well I'll be..." Snake said.

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"Hey, Marty." said Protoman, sticking his head through the top of the bus. Marty was standing next to him, Mario stood behind Marty, near the front of the bus, and Trevor stood in front of him, near the back.

"Hey there, friend," greeted Marty, "Nice of you to join me up here."

Protoman climbed up from below, and stood up. His yellow scarf flapped violently in the wind.

"Those are the bad guys, right?" he asked Marty, pointing one finger to Trevor and motioning his head towards Mario.

"That's right." replied Marty.

"Mmkay." said Protoman, nodding. He then lifted his right arm towards Trevor, and his hand disappeared into his forearm. His forearm then expanded, and took on the shape of a cannon. Along the top was a row of square buttons.

Protoman pressed the first button in the row, and the inside of the arm cannon began to glow. A pulsing sound began to emit from it, which grew slowly louder. When the sound ceased, Protoman aimed his arm, and shot a large burst of energy at Trevor.

"Oh God, no--!" were the only words Trevor was able to get out before the burst hit him. It knocked him, and also a considerable portion of the bus itself, onto the road behind him.

Protoman turned to gaze at Mario.

"Uh..." started Mario, "I think I'll-ah just let-ah myself out, thank you." He then turned, and jumped off the side of the bus, rolling into a ditch at the side of the road.

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"Where in the hell did he learn how to do THAT?" asked Vegeta, staring up at Protoman, who was converting his arm back to it's original form.

"I have no fucking clue," replied Snake, "I obviously missed that portion of the fine print..."

"What happened, guys? What was that noise?" asked Sephiroth, still focused on driving the bus.

"Protoman just blew up the back of the bus." replied Vegeta. Just as he finished talking, a large metal foot kicked Vegeta in the head, again, knocking him down. Protoman then jumped back down into the bus, followed by Marty.

"HA!" laughed Sephiroth, turning back and smiling, "That's our Protoman!"

Everyone followed suit into laughter, except Vegeta, who simply grumbled at he got up off the floor.

And then the road disappeared from below the bus, and it's screaming passengers were lifted into the air as the bus tumbled downwards.

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	7. Chapter 7: Chase That Hobo!

Chapter VII - Chase That Hobo!

"HA!" laughed Sephiroth, turning back and smiling, "That's our Protoman!"

Everyone followed suit into laughter, except Vegeta, who simply grumbled at he got up off the floor.

And then the road disappeared from below the bus, and it's screaming passengers were lifted into the air as the bus tumbled downwards.

"AUGH! We're gonna die!" Snake yelled, as he and the other riders of Marty's bus plummeted off the road.

The bus hit a body of water at the bottom of their fall with a deafening splash, shattering the front windshield and allowing water to rush inside the bus. Sephiroth, Snake and Vegeta quickly swam out of the back of the bus, while Marty swam out with Protoman and the homeless man.

Snake was the first one to surface. He gasped for air, and quickly began to swim.

"Hurry!" he said, as Vegeta's head surfaced out of the water, "Get away before the vortex suction pulls you under!"

"There's no vortex, Snake," said Vegeta, taking his time swimming, "That's just an urban myth."

Sephiroth surfaced shortly after, gasping for breath, followed by Marty, Protoman, and the homeless man.

"Sephiroth, WHAT THE FUCK?" yelled Vegeta, "You trying to get us all killed!"

"Hey, don't blame ME," said Sephiroth in defense, "... the windshield was foggy."

"Not as foggy as my foot up your ass once I'm through with you!" replied Vegeta, who began to swim towards Sephiroth.

"Hey, guys! We can argue later. We need to get to dry land before the tapes get too wet to return." said Snake.

"He's right," said Marty, "We need to dry ourselves out. These are mighty cold waters." He then began to swim for shore, as Sephiroth, Snake and Vegeta followed.

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Dry land wasn't too far away from where their bus hit the water. There was a rocky beach, with a stretch of highway running behind it, in front of a series of cliffs, where the forest ends.

"Aw man," said Snake, upon sitting down on the sand, "I have sand in places on this suit I never knew I had..." He had taken the upper part of his suit off to dry, which was hanging out on a rock, and was beginning to take off his boots. Sephiroth took off his trenchcoat and shoulder pads, and laid them out on the beach rocks.

"So, Marty," said Sephiroth, "I apologize about crashing your bus into the river."

"Don't worry about it, friend. It's not your fault," said Marty, grinning and looking into the sky, "You couldn't possibly have known."

"Actually, he could have," said Snake, pointing up to the bridge they had fallen off of, "There was a bright sign that said 'Bridge out, to be completed in 2009'."

"Hmm," replied Marty, "Well, what's done is done. You can't undo it, so no use moping about it." Marty then stood up, and stretched, "It's about time I took my leave now, fellas."

"Wait, hold on," Sephiroth began, turning to look at Snake, "We still have to--" When Sephiroth turned back around to Marty, he had already disappeared.

Sephiroth blinked. "... huh."

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"Do you think he was a figment of our imaginations?" asked Snake, gazing into the river.

"I dunno, Snake." said Sephiroth, lying down on the sand with his hands behind his head.

"Maybe there WAS no bus driver. Maybe there was no BUS..." said Snake.

"I dunno, Snake." said Sephiroth, who then sat up in the sand.

"Maybe this whole ordeal is a dream, and sooner or later, I'm going to wake up, hungover, on our couch," Snake said, who then began to pound on his head, "Wake up!"

"Get a hold of yourself, you!" shouted Vegeta, "We've only got twenty minutes until Blockbuster Video closes. We need to get a move on."

"And how exactly are we going to get there?" asked Sephiroth, putting on his now-dry trenchcoat, "It's a fifteen minute walk from here to town, and then who knows how far it is to Blockbuster from there."

"There should be a shortcut through the forest on the top of those cliffs." said Protoman, who was lying out to dry on the rocks next to Vegeta.

"Say what?" said Snake.

"Hmm," said Sephiroth, "Well, normally we shouldn't trust your sense of direction," He then stood up, and placed his shoulder pads back on, "But considering out predicament, I suppose we can't argue."

"I guess you're right," said Snake, standing up and putting back on the upper part of his suit and bulletproof vest, "Say, did anyone see the tapes?"

"Yeah," Vegeta replied, "I laid them out in the sun to dry, over..." He turned to point at them, but they were missing.

"... there. Protoman, where are the tapes?" Vegeta asked.

"Oh, the hobo took them." Protoman replied.

The group paused to let Protoman's answer sink in.

"... please tell us you're kidding." said Snake.

"Nope," Protoman said, "I saw him run off with them into the forest when you guys weren't looking."

Vegeta felt his left eye twitch, and seized Protoman by his scarf, "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?"

"I couldn't. I'm not waterproof. My body was unable to move." Protoman replied.

Vegeta grumbled, "Of all the lame excuses..."

Snake slipped his two gloves back on, "Well, there's no use griping about it. Let's go after him. He couldn't have gotten too far away."

"Snake's right," said Sephiroth, "We're heading in that direction anyway." Him and Snake then took off, onto the highway running along the beach, and towards the forest. Protoman followed close behind.

Vegeta stood there for a second, holding his head.

"When you get home, you're going to invest in pirated movies..." he said to himself.

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The homeless man ran with all his might, faster than he probably ever ran before. In one hand, he held two videocassettes from Blockbuster Video - Murdalizer, and Murdalizer Two. In his other hand was half a bottle of rum, which he took small gulps of every now-and-then. It gave him fuel, to run faster. Or rather, the illusion of fuel, since it made his body feel lighter than it really was.

His name was Dan. Those who knew him called him Hobo Dan. Those who didn't know him called him "The Hobo".

Dan could feel he was being pursued. Even if he couldn't see them, he knew he was being followed. He took another gulp of rum - a long one. He could feel himself getting lighter. His legs ran faster. He could jump higher. He could dodge tree roots and shrubs with ease.

Another sip. He began to quicken. He now could hear his pursuers.

"Hey, you!" one voice said.

"Stop!" said another.

The wind blew at his wild, unkept beard, and his dirty green jacket. A vice suddenly held his lungs, and he found it was hard to breathe.

And then, the ground came up to greet him.

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"Yes, you got him!" exclaimed Snake.

Sephiroth got up off the homeless man, and runned the dirt off from his trenchcoat.

Vegeta and Protoman quickly caught up to Snake and Sephiroth, and saw the homeless man, gasping for air on the ground.

"Okay, rubba-dub," said Sephiroth, "Hand over the tapes."

"Alright, here you are," said the homeless man, handing the tapes over to Sephiroth, "Just don't hurt me..."

"Yeah, no problem," Sephiroth replied, placing the tapes into both breast pockets of his trenchcoat, "Let's go, guys."

The trio started to walk away, but Protoman stayed with him.

Vegeta turned, "C'mon Protoman, move your ass."

"I wanna help him." said Protoman.

"Yes, please help me," said the homeless man, "I'm sorry for stealing your tapes, but I needed them. I wanted to sell them. It's so hard to find money..."

The roommates turned, and paused.

"Oy," sighed Snake, "Of all the robots in the world, I had to buy the only one with a conscience."

Sephiroth walked over to the homeless man, "And if we help you, what's in it for us?"

The homeless man smiled, baring his stained teeth, "I know this city more than most people. I'll figure something out."

"In other words, you don't know." said Snake.

The homeless man paused to think for a second, "... yeah, probably."

"Okay, there's no time for this," said Vegeta, "Bring him with us if you want, but Blockbuster Video closes in ten minutes."

"Alright, let's go then," said Sephiroth, who began to help the homeless man up off the ground.

"By the way," said the homeless man, "I'm Dan."

"Indeed, you are." replied Sephiroth, who began to run, along with his roommates, towards the city.

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"Faster!" yelled Sephiroth, "We're almost there, I can see it!"

T-minus three minutes until closing. The group, consisting now of Sephiroth, Snake, Vegeta, Protoman and Hobo Dan, were running down the sidewalk. There were only two blocks to run until they reached Blockbuster Video. The blue and yellow logo shown bright in the evening sky.

"Oh God," breathed Snake, "I think I'm going to have a hyernia."

"Don't you slow down yet!" yelled Sephiroth, "We didn't come this far to have you give up now!"

One more block to go. The tension to beat the clock was building with every passing second. However, an intersection came into their path, and traffic was in their way.

"Shit, it's over," said Vegeta, "We'll never make it in time now."

"If there's one thing I learned from intersections in my youth," said Sephiroth, "is that cars don't exist if you can't see them!" He then proceeded to close his eyes.

"Yeah, Seph's gone crazy. We're all gonna die." said Snake.

"Trust me!" yelled Sephiroth, "Here goes!" He then ran blindly into traffic. Cars and trucks narrowly missed hitting him, only grazing his coat.

Snake, Vegeta, Protoman and Hobo Dan also closed their eyes as they approached the intersection, and blindly followed Sephiroth. The traffic nearly missed hitting all of them as well. A few minor collisions were caused as a result of sudden stops to avoid running them over.

Sephiroth reached the other side first, and continued running to Blockbuster Video. The others followed closely.

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Sephiroth finally came to a stop only once he reached the entrance of Blockbuster Video. He started to catch his breath. Snake, Vegeta, Protoman and Hobo Dan arrived shortly after, and also stopped to catch their breath.

"Oh my God, we're still alive." Snake said, bewildered, "Remind me to kill you later, Sephiroth"

"Yes, yes," Sephiroth replied, brushing off the comment. He reached into his coat, and pulled out both of the tapes. "We're finally here. Now, all that's left to do is open this door, walk inside, and return the tapes back to their proper place. No late fees for us."

He grasped the handle with a smile, and pulled. There was a clank, and the door wouldn't budge. He tried pushing, and the results were the same.

Everyone stood silent, and perfectly still. Sephiroth tried the door again, but still, nothing. He went to the adjacent door, but it wouldn't budge either.

"... Seph...?" asked Snake.

Sephiroth coughed, and tried pushing the door again, "Um... we might have a problem here."

"A problem?" asked Vegeta, "What kind of problem?"

Sephiroth turned to them, "The door might be locked."

-------


	8. Chapter 8: Plan B

Chapter VIII - Plan B

"Okay, there's no need to panic, guys." said Sephiroth.

"Oh, believe me, Seph. I'm not panicing," said Vegeta, "I'm just royally, majorly pissed off."

The group of five decided to stop at a small pub in the area, to collect themselves and relax. The place was dimmly lit, and was furnished with green furniture and tacky sports memorabilia. A college football game played from the flatscreen television sets hung above the bar. They were seated near the back of the pub, in a circular booth next to a window, in which Blockbuster Video could be seen quite clearly.

Vegeta groaned in annoyance, "Where's that damned waiter? I need coffee!" he said, rocking back and forth in his seat.

"Yeah, we're mad too, Vegeta. We're just not expressing it like Charles Manson does." replied Snake.

At that moment, their waiter came around the corner, and smiled at them. He was a short man, with yellow-colored skin, sporting a red-orange afro haircut. He wore a silver studded leisure suit, and clear platform shoes, housing goldfish inside.

"Hey!" the waiter greeted. "The name's Disco Stu, and I'll be serving you fellas tonight. How's it goin', Protoman?" he said, pointing both index fingers at Protoman.

"The goin' is good, Stu." Protoman replied, pointing back at him.

"So, what'll it be, guys?" Stu asked.

"Coffee!" Vegeta exclaimed, almost interrupting him, "Extra strong, loaded with caffene!"

"Coffee... loaded with caffene..." repeated Stu, writing his order down onto a notepad, and turning his head to Snake next.

"A coke for me, thanks." Snake said.

"Same for me." said Dan.

"Okay, two cokes..." Stu said, writing the orders down, "And you, sir?" he asked, turning to Sephiroth.

"I'll have a Mountain Dew." Sephiroth replied.

Immediately, everyone in the vicinity of their table expressed their disgust with a simultaneous "Ugh!"

"What?" asked Sephiroth, confused by their disgust.

"I'd rather drink crab juice." said Vegeta.

Stu then smiled at them again as he placed his pen in his pocket. "I'll be back with your order soon." he said, walking away.

Snake then turned to Protoman, "You disco, Protoman?"

"Brother, please." Protoman replied, "You're breaking my stride. You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man."

Snake paused. "... huh."

Vegeta quickly jumped in and changed the subject around, "Okay, so what the HELL are we going to do about these tapes, Seph?"

"Yeah," said Snake, "We can't afford to pay any late fees, with our income as it is."

Dan raised his hand slightly, "Um, to my knowledge, late fees aren't that expen--"

"I've got it!" Sephiroth interrupted, "Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Oh?" Vegeta began, "What's the plan?"

"Okay - Snake," said Sephiroth, "You used to be a spy, right?"

"More or less." replied Snake.

"Which means that you relied on stealth." Sephiroth continued.

"You could say that." Snake said.

Sephiroth leaned in towards Snake, "And you were also an expert on infiltration."

Disco Stu then came back to their booth, a tray in hand, with four drinks balanced on it.

"A coffee for you," Stu said, handing the drink to Vegeta, "Two cokes for these men," he handed the cokes to Snake and Dan, then turned to Sephiroth, "And one," he coughed, "Mountain Dew."

"Yeah, thanks." Sephiroth said, sporting a weak grin.

Stu nodded, "And are you guys ready to order any food?"

"No thanks, we're fine for now." said Snake.

"Okay, well I'll be back in a bit then," said Stu, promptly walking away from the booth.

Vegeta took a large gulp of his coffee, while the others took sips of their sodas.

"So yeah, Seph," said Snake, "I still fail to see what you're getting at."

"Put two and two together, Snake." said Sephiroth, "You were once an expert on stealth and infiltration. We can't get into Blockbuster."

"Uh huh," said Snake, "So...?"

Sephiroth stared at him for a moment, and raised his eyebrows, jerking his head in the direction of Blockbuster Video.

Snake paused while sipping his coke, but then stopped once it finally dawned on him.

"It'll never work."

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"This'll never work." said Snake, standing in the backyard employee parking lot of Blockbuster Video. It was nighttime now, almost midnight, and the moon shone brightly.

"Of course it'll work," said Sephiroth, over the headset walkie-talkie Snake was currently wearing, "You were able to stop a Russian terrorist group from launching a gigantic, nuclear-missle armed, walking death robot, but you can't return a few videotapes to Blockbuster? Give me a break."

"Yeah!" said Protoman voice over the headset, "This should be a walk in the cake for you."

"I think you mean 'a walk in the park'." said Dan.

"No, I think he means 'cakewalk'." replied Vegeta.

"Maybe he meant 'a piece of cake'..." said Sephiroth.

"They all mean the same thing!" interrupted Snake, "Besides, that mission wasn't equal parts ridiculous and illegal."

"Oh, just do it already!" yelled Vegeta, "I know where you live!"

Snake sighed, and looked down at the tapes in his hand. They were secured inside of a white plastic Blockbuster Video bag. He then took a deep breath, and started to walk towards the building, "This is so stupid..."

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"Okay, what do you see now, Snake?" asked Sephiroth. Vegeta, Protoman and Dan were hiding behind a tree surrounded by shrubs, just outside the backyard parking lot of Blockbuster Video.

"Um," started Snake over the headset, "I'm standing near the back. There's a door here with no handle, a dumpster, and a ladder leading to the roof."

"Good," said Sephiroth, "Go onto the roof."

"Oh yeah," said Snake, "Because a long haired white guy wearing a military espionage suit walking around on the roof of Blockbuster Video in the middle of the night won't look conspicuous at all."

Sephiroth paused for a second, "Should I stop and behold your amazing powers of sarcasm?"

"That's a recommended course of action, yes." replied Snake.

"Just go." said Sephiroth.

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Snake grumbled, and grabbed the ladder, "I am SO ratting on you guys if I'm caught." He then continued his ascent up the ladder.

"But that won't happen, now, will it?" asked Sephiroth.

"Yeah, yeah." said Snake. When he reached the top of the building, he crouched down, as to not be seen by passing cars, "I'm on the roof now."

"Alright, what do you see?" asked Sephiroth.

"Well," Snake began, looking around at his surroundings, "I see a stack-kind-of-thing with a large spinning fan inside."

"Good!" said Sephiroth, "That should lead to the ventilation system. Try to stop the fan."

Snake stared at the fan for a moment, then replied, "Okay, I don't know about the people on your planet, Sephiroth, but people here on Earth tend to lose whatever limb they try to stop moving blades with."

Sephiroth paused for a second, "... touché, Snake," he said, "Well, then, try my method."

"Your method?" Snake asked.

"The fan doesn't exist if you can't see it." said Sephiroth.

Snake went silent, "You've got to be kidding me."

"Just believe. Eye of the tiger, Snake. There is no spoon. Remember the Titans." Sephiroth replied.

Snake groaned, then crouched in a running position, "I'll try this, but there seems to be a slim percentage that this will work."

He then took off running towards the fan. When he was about ten feet from it, he dove at it head-first, arms forward, eyes closed, and screaming. He narrowly slipped through the fan's blades, one of which nearly missed hitting his foot.

Snake hit the vent wall on the other side of the fan, and fell about five feet down before hitting the bottom of the horizontal ventilation shaft below.

"Snake?" asked Sephiroth, "Did you make it through?"

"God Almighty, it actually worked," Snake said to himself.

"You okay there?" Sephiroth asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Snake replied, "My neck broke my fall." Snake then righted himself, and laid flat on his stomach.

"Dude, where are you now?" asked Sephiroth.

"Well," Snake started, now whispering, "It's pitch dark, it's dusty, and it smells like cobwebs and rat shit. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I'm probably inside the vent."

Snake then reached into a compartment on his right leg, and pulled out a pair of goggles. He strapped them onto his head, pulled them over his eyes, and pressed a button on the side. There was a faint pitch sound, and a single green light appeared on either side of his goggles.

"What was that noise?" asked Sephiroth.

"Oh, that was the sound of my night-vision goggles turning on." replied Snake.

"You have night-vision goggles?" asked Sephiroth.

"Seph, please," said Snake, "Remember who you're talking to."

Snake then proceeded to climb through the vent. Open slots on the side of the vent allowed him to peek into the darkened Blockbuster Video. He saw the front checkout counter, the new release wall, gaming section, and the rest of the store.

"Hmm," said Snake, "No sign of nighttime security."

"Great," said Sephiroth, "Can you find a way inside?"

"I'm lookin'" said Snake, continuing his way through the dusty ventilation duct.

The vent soon followed out of the main store, and through the main employee office and meeting room. Both were darkened and devoid of people.

Snake's crawl through the duct came to a halt after he crawled above the meeting room. The duct came to a dead end, and there were no slots to indicate where he was.

"Hello?" came in Sephiroth's voice through the headset.

"Yeah, I'm still here," replied Snake, "I seem to have reached a dead end."

"A dead end?" repeated Sephiroth.

"Well, there's this hatch thing here, but it just - won't - seem - to - budge..."

Snake proceeded to try and open the hatch. He dug his fingers underneith it, trying to lift it, but it didn't work. He tried banging on it from above, one, two, three times.

On the fourth hit, Snake succeeded in getting the hatch open, much to his surprise. As the hatch opened, Snake fell through, head first.

When Snake landed, he quickly brang his head up, and caught a breath of air. His head was now completely wet, and dripping water.

"Snake, what the hell happened? You alright?" asked Sephiroth.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Snake grumbled, "I just landed head-first into the employee toilet."

Sephiroth nearly choked, then spoke, "Um, Snake? Hold on for just one second." Snake then overheard Sephiroth telling the others what had happened, then all of them laughed in unison.

"You guys done laughing?" asked Snake.

Sephiroth caught his breath, and sighed, "Yeah, we're through."

Snake stood up, and shook the water out of his hair, then took off his headband and rung the water out of it as well. When he was as dry as he could possibly get himself, he slowly opened the door to the inside of Blockbuster Video, and slowly entered, crouching.

As soon as he surveyed his surroundings, he slowly closed the door behind him.

"Okay," Snake said quietly, "I'm in."

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	9. Chapter 9: Super Monkey Brawl

Chapter IX - Super Monkey Brawl

"Security system breached! Security system breached! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" repeated the feminine voice belonging to the automated security system.

"What the hell did you do, Snake?" asked Sephiroth.

"I dunno!" Snake replied, "I must've accidently tripped something."

Suddenly, the lights of the store all came on at once, flooding Snake's night vision goggles, and blinding him.

"AUGH!" screamed Snake, "The light! It burns!"

Snake quickly ripped the night vision goggles off of his head, and whipped them to the ground.

"I have to get out of here." he said, rubbing his eyes, slowly getting his vision back. Tapes in hand, he felt his way past the shelves of movies, towards the front counter.

"Defense system activated!" said the feminine security voice, "Unleashing security monkey."

Snake stopped in his tracks, and tried to comprehend just what the computer had just said.

"Security... monkey...?" he asked himself.

As if on cue, a small steel cage emerged from the center of the ceiling, and inside was a small, brown-furred monkey. Once it spotted Snake, it smiled at him.

Snake simply stared back at it, "This has to be some kind of joke. Am I on Punk'd?"

The monkey then proceeded to open the cage, leaned out, grabbing onto the bottom of the cage bars with it's feet, and hung upside-down. It hung there for a second, staring and smiling at Snake.

Snake chuckled at it, "Unbelieveable." He turned his back on the monkey and continued to walk towards the checkout counter, "To think I was worried that I was caug--"

Snake was suddenly interrupted as the monkey swung from it's cage, and latched itself onto Snake's head. It wrapped it's long tail around Snake's neck, and grabbed at his face.

"AUGH! It's clawing my face off!" screamed Snake, stumbling around, trying to keep his balance. He fell into several shelves, knocking tapes and DVDs all over the carpeted floor.

Eventually, Snake was able to pry the monkey's grasp off of his face, and threw the monkey away from him. The monkey flew up, and landed on top of a neon-lit Nintendo logo hanging above the gaming section, but not before scratching Snake's face on both cheeks.

Snake felt the side of his face, and looked at his hand. His glove became dark with traces of his blood.

"That hurt, you monkey bastard!" he yelled at it.

The monkey appeared to laugh at Snake, and stuck it's tongue out at him.

Snake grumbled, "Think you're clever, huh?"

The monkey responded by leaping from the neon sign at Snake. Snake swiftly dodged the monkey, who landed on the floor. It turned around quickly, but Snake had already ducked behind a shelf of movies, and ran towards the checkout counter.

The monkey lept up onto the shelf, and spotted Snake. It lept at him again, but Snake dodged right, and the monkey landed head-first into a cardboard display stand.

"Hah!" Snake laughed at it.

The monkey clawed it's way out of the cardboard mess, and snarled at Snake, baring it's teeth. The monkey lept at Snake again, but Snake dodged again, sending the monkey into a snack stand, tearing open several bags of chips.

Snake was now standing near the new release shelf, close to the front entrance and checkout counter. The monkey emerged from the bags of chips, and looked around for Snake.

"Over here," said Snake, "Try it. I dare ya'"

The monkey crouched, and lept at Snake again. Snake moved out of the way, and the monkey flew past him...

... and suddenly stopped short, when it hit it's head on the front window of the store. It fell to the floor, knocked flat-out cold.

"HAHA!" Snake laughed out loud, "I got you good, you fucker!"

"Snake? What the hell's going on in there?" asked Sephiroth, after hearing the whole ordeal on the other side of the transmission.

"I just knocked a monkey the fuck out, that's what happened," replied Snake, brushing some hair out of his face, "Serves it right."

"Did you put the tapes back yet?" Sephiroth asked.

"Ah, I nearly forgot." said Snake.

Then, with tapes in hand, Snake began his triumphant stride to the checkout counter. He stopped in front of the return slots, and took the two tapes out of the plastic bag.

Snake paused to glance at the two movies, "You know, these movies were NOT worth the trouble we went through for them."

"Just put them in and get the hell out of there!" yelled Sephiroth.

Snake nodded to himself, and slid the first tape in, then the second tape. He breathed deeply, and then released a sigh of relief.

"Thank GOD that's over," Snake said, turning back towards the employee bathroom. As he walked past the front window, however, he spotted the monkey, still knocked out.

A feeling of guilt rushed over him, and he frowned.

"Ah hell," he said, picking the monkey up from off the floor. It was unconscious, but still breathing, "Poor little guy. He was only doing his job."

Snake took the monkey over his shoulders, and turned towards the bathroom.

"FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKER!" yelled a voice from behind him.

Snake turned around, and raised his hands. In front of him was two officers; one of them was a tall and thin white man, sporting a moustache and small rimmed sunglasses. The other was a short, black-furred hedgehog, wearing large sunglasses. Both of them were wearing standard Big City Police Department uniforms - a black shirt, black pants (the hedgehog, however, wasn't wearing pants), and black boots. Both were also wearing black police jackets, and hats embroidered with the BCPD logo.

"Caught you in the act," said the hedgehog, pointing his handgun at Snake, "We were scouting the neighbourhood when we saw your mullet-ass wrestling that chimp in a Blockbuster Video after closing hours."

"Um," started Snake, "How'd you guys get in here when the doors were locked?"

The hedgehog held up a small key, that had many rows of teeth, "None other than the police master key."

"Isn't it about time you gave that back to the chief, Shorty?" said the tall, human cop.

"Isn't it about time you SHUT THE FUCK UP?" yelled the hedgehog, "And call me Shaft, you moron."

The tall cop turned to Snake, "Forgive my cohort here; he's new on the force, and midnight shift makes him irritable."

"I'm not new!" replied Shaft, "I've been on the force for three months! I'm an established officer of the BCPD!"

"Mmhmm," the other officer said, before turning to Snake again, "Anyway, I'm officer Richard Dick."

"Snake." Snake replied, offering his hand to shake.

Officer Dick complied, "Snake, unless you can give me a plausable reason for breaking and entering into a Blockbuster Video in the middle of the night dressed like THAT, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to arrest you."

Snake pointed towards the checkout counter, "I was returning some tapes so that I don't get late fees."

Officer Dick stared at him, "... Why? Why not use the night return slot?"

"Night return slot!" Snake asked.

"Yeah, over there." Dick said, pointing to a metal slot to the right of the front entrance, and a bin full of returned movies in front of it.

Snake stared at it for a moment, "Well I'll be damned; there's a NIGHT RETURN SLOT!" he yelled into the headset microphone, "I guess SOMEBODY failed to notice it!"

"Who're you talking to?" asked Dick.

"Um, myself," replied Snake, "Damn me, and such."

"Well," started Dick, "Due to the hilarity of the situation, and because I can't be bothered, I suppose I'll let you go. Just don't do this again."

"NO!" yelled Shaft, "This fucker can't get away! I haven't gotten a single arrest in my time here! I'm NOT allowing you to ruin this for me!"

"Nah," said Dick, "I think it's better to let him off with a warning." said Dick.

"Oh, you suck balls," said Shaft, pointing his gun at Snake again, "Get on the ground, scum."

Snake simply nodded his head towards the front entrance. Shaft turned around, just in time for a bare foot to connect with his face. His sunglasses were cracked, and he was knocked to the floor. The assailant was Dan.

"Door was unlocked." Dan said, shrugging his shoulders, "Thought I'd come to see if I could be of help."

"Thanks Dan. I owe you." said Snake.

Officer Dick then tucked away his gun, "Well then, I'll be on my way," he said, "Just remember to not do this again."

"Gotcha." said Snake.

Dick then turned, walked out the door, and down the street. Snake and Dan walked out as well, the monkey resting atop Snake's shoulders.

"Don't you walk away from me..." groaned Shaft, on the floor, "I'll kick your sorry ass, you cunt... that was a... lucky shot..."

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"So, the tapes are finally back where they belong." said Snake, flopping back against a tree, in the area behind Blockbuster Video.

"Just what the hell happened in there?" asked Vegeta.

"The bacon caught me as I was returning the tapes," said Snake. "Also, SOMEONE neglected to tell me about any night return slots..."

Everyone then turned to stare at Sephiroth.

"... hey, don't look at ME," Sephiroth said, "You're all as much to blame as I am."

"Yeah, but it's just so much easier to pin the blame on one person." replied Snake.

Sephiroth hung his head, "Whatever. It's done and over with. Let's go home now. Most of us have jobs to get to tomorrow."

After Sephiroth had said that, Hobo Dan frowned, then sighed.

"Well, I suppose I'll head back to the alleyway between Wal-Mart and McDonalds," Dan said, starting to walk away, "Nice knowing you guys."

Snake stared at Sephiroth, "Sephiroth, you insensitive bastard. Dan, come back."

Dan turned around, "Hmm?"

"I suppose I owe you for knocking out that jerk cop back there. I think I know what I can do for you."

Sephiroth spoke up, "Snake, you don't mean--"

Snake smirked, "Oh yes, I do."

-------


	10. Epilogue: The Itsy Bitsy Jerkstore

Epilogue - The Itsy-Bitsy Jerkstore

"Listen, Snake," said Hobo Dan, "I don't think this is such a good idea."

"I think it's a great idea." replied Snake.

"The gesture is great, but don't you think this is a little dangerous?" asked Hobo Dan.

"Do you WANT a place to live, or not?" asked Snake.

Hobo Dan sighed, "Okay, okay. But did I have to come WITH you up here?"

The two men were currently suspended in mid-air. Dan was strapped to Snake's back by a harness, and Snake held onto a long rope, secured by a grappling hook. The two were scaling one of the tallest buildings in the city - Belmont Condominiums.

"Hmm," Snake began, "I suppose you could've waited in the lobby or something. You should've thought of that before we started climbing."

"No, that's fine. I'm just a little worried." Dan said, as Snake walked vertically up the building.

"Don't worry, I'm an expert climber. Compared to steep mountainsides, this is a walk in the cake," Snake replied, "Besides, God forbid we should fall, I have a backup chute."

"No, it's not falling I'm worried about," Dan replied, "It's the being spotted by people looking out their windows as we pass by."

"They'll simply think we're a publicity stunt. We'll tell them we're promoting the next Cliffhanger movie." said Snake, "Now let me concentrate. We're about five storeys from the roof."

"What's on the roof?" asked Hobo Dan.

"Your new home." Snake replied.

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It took the duo ten more minutes to reach the rooftop of Belmont Condominiums. Snake unstrapped Dan from his harness, and claimed his grappling hook from the roof edge. The roof contained a large swimming pool, and a poolside bar. Next to the bar was stairs that led down.

"Shall we?" asked Snake, who began to decend the stairs. Dan followed closely behind.

"Oh wow..." said Dan, "It's been a while since I've actually stepped foot inside an actual home."

The condo was much bigger than Snake or Dan had thought it would be. Just the living room alone was the size of Snake's entire apartment. The walls were in a gothic style, made of large grey bricks, modelled after an old castle. To their left coming down the stairs was a crescent window, surrounding a grey fireplace. A large leather couch sat in front of a large widescreen television, which stood almost as tall as Snake was. Down a hall in front of them were the kitchen, the bedroom, and the front entrance of the condo.

"Well, get used to it. Now that Belmont's probably dead, his apartment is now yours," said Snake, "As a bonus, I'll arrange it so that it'll look like Belmont signed the apartment, and the entire complex, over to you."

"Really? You'll do that?" asked Dan, bewildered.

"Sure. It's the least I can do, since you helped us out back there." said Snake, shrugging.

"Well, as my thanks, I'll give you a pass for a free lesson!" said Dan.

"Eh? Lesson?" asked Snake, confused by his statement.

"Yes - in a few short weeks, I'll completely transform this apartment into my new dojo!" said Dan.

"Wait... dojo?" Snake asked, with a confused look on his face, "You teach karate?"

"Not karate! I teach Saikyou-ryuu, my own branch of martial arts. Back in my native Japan, I had a dojo where I taught many students my techniques." Dan replied, with a smug look on his face.

"Then how did you become homeless if you were such a great sensei?" Snake asked him.

"Competition, my friend. My small, humble dojo was overshadowed by larger, more popular martial arts schools. Forced out of business, my travels brought me here," Dan explained, "Oh, how I miss teaching my techniques. But now because of you, I can live my dream again!"

"Well, uh... don't mention it." said Snake, "Look, I'd better get going, Dan."

"Hibiki-san." Dan corrected.

Snake paused, "Uh, Hibiki-san."

"Call me Dan." replied Dan.

Snake nodded and smiled, "Sayonara."

Dan smiled at Snake, then places his arms at his sides, and bowed to Snake. Snake, not knowing completely how to comply, hastily attempted to do the same. The attempt came out not as he had hoped, but Dan let it slide.

Snake then nodded again, and made his way out of the apartment.

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"Hurry up with those damn keys," said Sephiroth, fatigue wearing his voice out.

"If you didn't keep every key you ever got on one blasted keyring, this wouldn't be so hard." said Vegeta, fumbling with Sephiroth's ring of keys.

Protoman stood behind the two, struggling to lift his own head up, "I'm tired, guys."

"You're a robot, Protoman. You don't feel weariness." replied Sephiroth.

"No! You lie! I wanna go live with mom!" yelled Protoman.

"Will you shut the fuck up?" whispered Vegeta, "I've got the door open."

Vegeta pushed the door in, and the three roommates piled inside their apartment. Inside, they spotted Snake lying on the sofa, with a bottle of beer in one hand, and the telephone in the other.

"Yeah, and he told me that he wants to sign over his apartment, his fortune, and the condominium complex over to his close friend Dan Hibiki..." Snake said, then paused to let the other person talk, "... Where is he now? He told me he's moved back with family in Europe."

Another pause, "... Yes, it was rather spontaneous."

And another, "... Are you calling me a liar? Do I need to get him to fly all the way back here to settle this? With God as my witness, he'll be royally pissed, and will probably fire you and a few of your colleagues just for good measure."

Snake then pointed his index finger to Sephiroth, as to indicate that he'll be off soon, "... That's what I thought. You have a good night too. Bye." He then clicked the phone down, and unmuted the television set.

Vegeta, saying nothing to Snake, darted into his bedroom, and closed the door. Protoman shoved himself into the broom closet near the front door, and switched himself to stand-by mode.

"So, you wanna explain what that call was about, Snake?" asked Sephiroth.

"Oh, nothing really," Snake said, sipping his beer, "I just convinced the staff of Belmont Condominiums that Trevor had signed his property and fortune over to Dan. The entire building now belongs to him."

Sephiroth sat there, speechless, "Jeez, Snake. I thought you were gonna buy him Denny's or something. What in the hell made you do that?"

"As satisfying as it was to watch Trevor get the shit blown out of him, I never really got to hand it to him myself. So, I did this, as sort of a 'fuck you' gesture," Snake said, taking the remote and flipping channels, "Only on a much larger scale."

"Why didn't you just sign the fortune over to us, instead? We'd be rich and would never have to work again." Sephiroth asked.

"Why would I do that, Seph? That's fraud. I'm not a criminal, you know." Snake's eyes then widened, "Oooo, Death Tunnel is on the Action channel..."

Sephiroth paused and stared at Snake, "... It's WAY too late to comprehend your logic, Snake. I'm going to bed, and you should too, if you're going to work tomorrow."

"I work afternoon shift, no worries." replied Snake.

"Suit yourself," said Sephiroth, walking towards his bedroom. "Night."

"Seeya." replied Snake.

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Monday morning. The sun shone on the streets of Big City, and people rushed to their day jobs. As cars passed by on either side, an oddly dressed man stood on the sidewalk, holding his arm out, with his thumb extended.

"Sweet mother of crap, why is it always impossible to get a cab when you urgently NEED one?" the man said to himself.

His voice was young, that of someone in his mid-twenties. He was of average height, and slightly toned. On the surface, he was an ordinary guy. It was how he was dressed that made him peculiar, though.

He was wearing a form-fitting bodysuit, which from the waist down is dark blue except for mid-calf boots, which were red with a black web pattern. From the waist up, the suit had a red-and-black web pattern, except for his back, sides, and insides of his upper arms, which were dark blue. There was a large red spider outline on his back, and a smaller black spider emblem on his chest. His entire face was covered by a mask, that had large white eyes rimmed with black.

After a minute, a taxi cab finally stopped for him.

"About time!" the man exclaimed. He reached for the taxi cab's back door handle, and climbed inside.

"Oi, stranger!" the taxi driver greeted. He was an asian man, who spoke broken English, dressed in a hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, "Where to, bro?"

"I need to get to this address, right here." the man said, handing the taxi driver a small piece of paper with the destination scribbled onto it.

"Yes yes! That's not too far from here. I'll get you there in hurry!" the taxi driver exclaimed, then turning the cab into drive, and taking off down the street.

A few moments of awkward silence filled the taxi cab, before the driver began to talk again.

"So, we don't get much people dressed like you 'round here, eh?" he asked, jokingly.

"I'm not paying you to initiate small talk, riceball."

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A few more minutes passed inside the silent taxi cab, before it finally rolled to a stop in front of an apartment building. The costumed man paid the asian taxi driver, and climbed out of the cab.

"Wow," the man said, gazing up at the building as the cab drove away, "If they would fix up a few things here and there, this place might look like a piece of shit."

He then began to walk towards the building. He pulled open the front reception doors, and walked up to the security guard in the front.

"Hey there. I just applied for an apartment here a few weeks ago." the man said.

"Alright," the security guard said, flipping through some papers, "And you signed for the apartment under...?"

"Should be under the name 'Spidey'. Check for 'Spider-Man' also." the man replied.

The guard flipped through some more papers, "Ah, here we are; Spidey. I'll speak with the superintendant and we'll get you all settled in soon."

"I hope so. My buddy's coming here around noon with his van full of all my stuff, and if I'm not ready, he's just gonna dump it in the street," Spider-Man told the guard, "So if you could hurry up and get me my apartment, that would be great."

The guard nodded, "I'll see what I can do." he said, before getting up and going into the next room.

The lobby door then opened to Spider-Man's left, and a man dressed in a black trenchcoat and long, silver hair walked out. His eyes were half open, and bloodshot. He walked past Spider-Man, through the reception area, and out the front entrance of the apartment building.

Once he was out of Spider-Man's sight, Spidey chuckled to himself, "Sure hope I'm not neighbours with HIM..."

-------

Done.


End file.
